Note: The Scots language version of this script (or the phonetic version) is after the English language one, if you dare.
Scots phrases and their meanings:
dour – sour, depressed, grumpy, severe.
roaster – idiot, stupid person.
numpty – stupid person, fool.
SFX: Liquid pouring into a glass from a bottle (pouring wine).
I’ll just fill this up, because I’m going to need it if I want to tell this story. And it’s not apple juice, in case ye were wondering.
It started yesterday and has just got worse and worse. I went to the shop, just like normal on a Wednesday, to find as soon as I opened the door the Madam was downstairs, swathed in a wool coat, and carrying a leather suitcase. You know the ones ye see in films set during WWII, exactly like that, except brand new. There wasn’t a mark on the leather, not like the other ones in the shop. This could’ve been made last year. Before the echo ae the bell had vanished my unease began to grow.
She wasn’t alone, the two roasters stood behind the counter, and both were dour faced. All of them, Chronos included, turned to face me as I came in. A tight smile spread across my boss’s lips, but there wasn’t her usual ease to it. She quickly told me that she had to go somewhere on business, and so she was leaving the fucking shop in my hands – well, all of our hands, but still. This mystery business, the first thing to make her leave the shop by my guess, was never elaborated on. Fucking typical.
I began to laugh, but it wasn’t my usual laugh, even I could hear the sprinkling of panic.
“You’re takin’ the piss”, I blurted before I could stop myself.
The Madam didn’t look offended that I’d sworn. To me that’s not really swearing, but some people are touchy about these things.
With her usual nonchalance, she attempted to reassure me that it’d be fine. Reid and Fionn would stay in the shop when I wasn’t there, but according to her I was the only one who could take over her duties. Christ, she was actually taking the piss.
SFX: pouring liquid (wine).
A wee bit more of that. Who says three quid wine can’t be good? Anyway, like a scared wee bairn I asked the madam how long she’d be gone for, a pathetic quiver in my voice. I don’t know why I bothered asking, the only thing predictable about the madam is her vague answers. She wasn’t sure, but it shouldn’t be long.
My boss threw one last mysterious look to Fionn and then began to move towards where I was standing at the shop door. Was I tempted to hold onto her legs and not let her leave? Fuck aye, but I didn’t, because I’m an adult, apparently. Before she left she rested her delicate hand on my shoulder and reassured me, as best as she could, that Fionn and Reid would be there.
That was about as reassuring as a politician’s campaign promises. Ever since the two lads had arrived they’d caused nothing but trouble, and ruined my quiet time in the shop. She was telling me that I’d be stuck in the shop with just them, and on top of that have to deal with her special customers. How the fuck was I supposed to do that?
I looked after my boss forlornly as she left the shop, the jangle of the bell above the door distant and sad. It sent a reverberating sense of foreboding swirling around the clutter like an invisible hurricane. I felt someone’s arms around ma shoulder and gave Fionn a sideways glance. He was grinning, so carefree, and told me not to worry myself. Reid may not have said anything, but I could tell he was as anxious as I was.
The next few hours were typical of a normal day in the shop. Fionn and Reid bickered, Chronos and I played a game of try to spray the cat. There may not have been any customers, but it still felt as though the Madam was up in her rooms, just waiting for one to come in. If I went to the door and creaked my way up the stairs she’d be there waiting for me. I got to still believe that for a few hours, pretend like nothing had changed.
But the next day had something different in store. I went in, the shop was still standing, and the only person to greet me was Reid. I couldn’t help myself and I asked him where he’d buried Fionn. That earned me a rare cynical snort of laughter before his face went back to being dour. He said Fionn had stayed upstairs.
This got me thinking. There was definitely something in that look the Madam shot him before she left. It reminded me of that look parents give each other after they promise their screaming brat they can have cake for dinner, just so the tantrum can stop. There was more to that look than I could see on the surface, and unless Fionn came clean I’d never know what it was.
I asked Reid what kind of relationship he thought was between the Madam and Fionn. He threw me a look, the ones you give people when they’ve asked a stupid question. He shrugged and said he didn’t know and that he’d never asked.
He’s a straight talker, I’ll give him that, but a complete roaster. Reid is obviously someone, like Fionn, who knows more about things than I do, it was possible he knew something about the Madam and Fionn. I don’t know what I was expecting. Even if he knew I don’t think he’d tell me.
I changed the subject to save one of us from losing our tempers. My next query was if he’d known the Madam before now. This one I actually got an answer to, although in hindsight I don’t think I really wanted it. He confirmed he’d heard of her, and that everyone has, but that he’d never met her in person before the day he’d come into the shop. Apparently, his parents used to say you know there’s a problem when you have to go and visit the antique shop.
I tried to laugh off the growing feeling of queasiness in my stomach by asking why be afraid of visiting her when she wasn’t a dentist? The way his face contorted into genuine surprise wasn’t making me feel any better. It was the jagged sense of triumph he had that irritated me.
“You really know nothing, do ye? No one ever knows whit her price is gonnae be, I mean she’s a..”
But he was cut off by Fionn’s bark, telling him that was enough, before calling him a mongrel. I’ve heard some colourful insults in my time, but that’s a first. This instantly got a reaction out of Reid who told the Irishman to stop calling him that. Fionn warned that it wasn’t his place to be teaching me about things. As if I wasn’t standing right there. I presumed by his irritation that the Madam was the only one supposed to be giving me answers, but at this point I’ll take them from anywhere.
To my disappointment Reid did as he was bid, never said another word and disappeared further into the shop, sulking like a wee bairn. Fionn came over to me, a disarming smile plastered on his face. That man can go from anger to charm so fast I’m starting to believe he’s got more problems than debt.
What he said to me made me sure of it. He told me not to let the fox bother me. This caught my attention fae more than just that it’s a strange sentence. I’ve been staring at the fox’s head on my ring for weeks now. Knowing he had a captive audience he leaned on the counter, smirking like he was the only one in the world in on a joke. The cogs in my head started turning and I began to realise that coincidences were thin on the ground these days.
“Noooo”, I drew the word out in a breath, shaking my head simultaneously.
That couldn’t be, that was impossible. From the sceptical frown drawing my eyebrows together, to the doubtful tone, Fionn gave a satisfied chuckle.
“After all of the things you’ve seen, ye don’t believe a man can be a fox?”
That seemed like an entirely different question, to be honest, but I kept that to myself. I answered that I’d seen all of those things, I’d never seen Reid’s tail, perky ears, or remember him walking about on all fours. At least, no in front of me.
Turns out Reid’s a shapeshifter. A shape shifter, I mean….. Fucking hell. My life’s turned into one of those shitty American teen dramas about werewolves and vampires, and all of that bollocks, except we’re not all shagging each other.
Fionn explained that shape shifter was the most accurate word, but it wasn’t quite the same. I’m glad he didn’t give me more details I’m having trouble swallowing that as it is. What I’m not having trouble swallowing is this wine. (SFX: pours liquid into glass (wine)).
It prompted me to ask if Reid is meant to be….a fox, then what was Fionn? Higher up the food chain, was all the answer I got, paired with a toothy grin. His joy was soon wiped from his face when the front door to the shop blew open, literally, with wintery, howling gales trying to bowl us over and take everything in the shop with it.
It felt like someone had placed a nuclear-powered wind machine in front of the shop and switched it on. I honestly thought the windows were going to blow in. Anything that wasn’t weighed down went flying, and there was a painful cacophony of noises from the wooden door banging against a cupboard, to the manic flutter of loose papers sailing through the air, and the inevitable crashes of china figurines and plates being hurled onto the floor.
I hit the ground. I was already standing behind the counter, so at least any large objects would be less likely to hit me on the head. The rest of the gang would just have to fend for themselves.
Time felt like it slowed, the atmosphere around me became a vacuum. It went from deafening to complete silence so quick I thought I’d burst my eardrums. After a few seconds of continued calm I decided to peak over the counter, and really wished I hadn’t. It was like a special effect you see in action films. Things were still moving but it was in slow motion, pieces of paper, small coins, a lace glove or two were all mid-air, but the air was acting more like treacle. I was moving fine, I slowly began to stand up but felt no pressure, no difficulty, I could still breathe fine, even though it felt like the atmosphere had vanished and the laws of gravity abandoned.
Fionn was right where I’d left him standing, and Reid appeared from one of the paths, and both were looking towards the front door. I really didn’t want to look, and thought for a moment of just making a break for the private door, but curiosity won out. Through the bits of paper and debris hanging mid-air was a tall, dark-haired woman walking through the door of the shop. Her stormy grey eyes examined each one of us in turn, as though we were prime cuts of meat at the butcher.
If her sudden appearance and ominous look didn’t give me enough cause for concern, Fionn and Reid had gone so stiff you’d have thought someone had shoved something up their arses. I decided if they looked scared, this woman wasn’t a joke, or a customer.
It’s difficult to explain this woman. A wee part of her, a very wee one, reminded me of Norna, but rather than my boss’s calm, velvety demeanour and voice, the new addition to the shop was pure, random chaos. Her clothes were well-fitted but in a clash of colours. Her dark chocolate hair was smooth, but bluntly cut.
Her gaze lingered on Fionn, and her tightly set mouth curled up into a wicked smile.
“Fionn, I didn’t think to find you here. My understanding was that your relationship with Norna had come to an end,” she goaded cruelly.
Everything about this woman was harsh, her presence in the shop jarring. It probably didn’t help that time had stopped around us, objects making their painfully slow way to inevitable doom. It wasn’t just the two roaster’s reactions to this woman that made me realise she was dangerous. I could feel it. Unpredictability. It oozed from her like electricity, or gas from a broken pipe. It felt like there was nothing she wouldn’t do. A complete fucking psycho. It was the look in her eye, the ominous glint of carelessness. I’ve never seen such dead eyes, so lacking in anything remotely human. This must be what mice feel like when there’s a cat around.
Unbelievably it got worse when she introduced these two lads. According to her they also had business in the shop. They were nothing compared to her, sardines beside a fucking shark. They were well-dressed in sharp black suits, neatly combed back hair, and complimentary ties to one another. Honestly, they’re what I imagine MI6 secret agents to look like.
I didn’t know who they were, or what business they had in the shop, but they certainly weren’t customers, and by the way Reid’s face went white I made a wild guess he’d something to do with them.
The strange woman made it clear that her business was first. She stepped further into the shop, staring Fionn doon like a God to a mortal, and announced she was here to see Madam Norna, although she called her just by the name Norna. I’ve never heard anyone refer to my boss that way, not even Fionn. In my opinion, this implied a personal connection between this fresh new psycho and the absent Madam.
I don’t know what possessed me to speak, I really don’t, but it’s not like doing reckless things is a new thing for me. I informed the stranger that she wasn’t here, and that she’d return in a few days.
I’m honestly surprised I never turned to stone after the look she gave me. The heat fled my body, and a had to dig my nails so hard into ma palms to stop my legs from shaking I can still see the marks there now.
“You must be the apprentice!” she exclaimed with sarcastic surprise, flashing some teeth, “How sweet, but I didn’t come to play with children.”
(SFX: chuckles nervously) I replied, I actually fucking replied to this with no, only to insult people. This went down like a led balloon, and her feral grin dampened. She muttered, loud enough for everyone to hear, it was just like Norna to agree to take someone like me.
Why do people keep referring to me like that? What does that phrase even mean? Needless to say, I was irked, and ended up asking her who she was. This got a cackle so piercing I’m sure I’ll have nightmares about it in the future. Considering we were suspended in silence, this sinister laugh of hers shot straight through everyone like a bullet.
“You don’t know who I am? Marvellous, and she left the shop to you in her absence? Oh dear, she must be going senile after all these years. My name is Madam Anora, and we’ll be seeing a lot of each other over the coming decades.”
First things first. What a cow. Secondly, what is up with all these women calling themselves Madam? I honestly thought my boss used it to boost her mystique, you know seem more knowledgeable, that kind of shite, but now this strange woman was claiming it too. What the fuck is going on here? It’s always more questions with that shop, never answers. I don’t even want to start on what she meant by decades.
I wore my confusion on my face like makeup, and she liked this, being the one with all the power.
“You must be very new to this, but you already have yourself a familiar, I see. A small piece of advice. Don’t repeat the mistakes of your teacher, intimacy with familiars is never a good thing. Fionn can tell you all about that.”
She certainly didn’t like Fionn, that was for sure. I dared a look at him, and understandably he was raging. This Madam Anora just didn’t care. She was going to say and do what she liked, causing the most amount of pain. Every word out of her mouth was barbed, and since Reid and I were strangers, the only person she could personally insult was Fionn. He let her get away with the first one, but he wasn’t about to let a second go by, and he barked that she wasn’t welcome. Even I flinched at his tone.
The tension was quickly rising and I felt in my bones that this situation was going to very quickly get out ae hand, and what was worse was that there was nothing I could do. When Madam Anora’s gaze concentrated again on me I knew nothing good was coming. She gave me a smile, possibly meant to be endearing, but just turned out creepy as fuck. She told me I should’ve been her apprentice, and that she’d never keep me in the dark as Norna was doing.
I don’t know why I thought pissing her off was a smart move, but I said I was glad I wasn’t her apprentice as I’d hate to go through life with no one ever being glad to see me. She understandably wasn’t happy about this, and whatever friendliness, if you could call it that, disappeared quickly. Fionn, as stupid I was, bluntly told her to leave as no one wanted her in the shop. He may also have called her a bitch, which I wasn’t disagreeing with, but what she did next probably made him regret it.
One minute Fionn was standing on the other side of the counter from me, within arm’s reach, and the next he flew through the air back into the shop. The same treatment had been given to Reid, who’d disappeared again. The crash as they landed on more antiques wasn’t swallowed by the vacuum the shop had become.
It wasn’t a short fall either, they’d been flung quite the way back, and landed on Christ knew what. It wasn’t pillows that’s for sure. I couldn’t move. How had she done that? She hadn’t moved a finger, or even twitched a muscle. I wanted to go and see if they were alright, but I couldn’t. Every cell, muscle, bone, and drop ae blood I was made of was screaming at me to run. All I could do was stand there, like the world’s biggest numpty.
The two lads who’d come in with her began to protest, although they were so softly spoken that I couldn’t make out what they were saying. She held up her manicured hand, like a Hollywood starlet talking to their chauffeur. She assured them that Reid wasn’t hurt, and that she’d done them a favour by making him easier to apprehend now. I’d been right, the two lads were connected to Reid’s gang problems, the same problem he’d become my familiar fae to escape.
I don’t like Reid much, but we’d made a promise, and I keep my word. They began to move towards where he’d been flung, and I knew I had to stop them. But how? What was I supposed to do? I may be bold with words sometimes, but I couldn’t go up against two full grown men. I mean, they weren’t scrawny, and for all I knew they could have guns or knives hidden beneath the tailored black suits.
I felt the ring on my pinky, the one I can’t take off, the one Reid had unceremoniously given me, and thought about the fox’s head, and what Fionn had said about it earlier. I shouted at the two to stop, and warned them if they went near Reid I’d make a winter coat out of their furs. Can you believe this made them hesitate, both gazing at me trying to see if I was bluffing or not. I noticed the same spark of fear in their eyes as the psycho in the club had all those weeks ago. They were about to think twice, their fear of being made into clothing winning over whatever beef they had with Reid.
Then Madam Anora ruined everything, by goading them on, and telling me I wasn’t powerful enough to do anything to them. Again, what a bitch. The two lads believed her, and to be honest I see why. What had I done since their arrival? Compared to the havoc she’d caused.
I’ve never felt that helpless, that useless. Fionn and Reid were in danger, we all were, and all I could do was stand there and watch as this complete cow came in and did what she liked to all of us. They were going to take Reid, and I didn’t even want to think about what they’d do to him, if he’d even survive it. Why hadn’t he just become Madam Norna’s familiar? Why had she practically forced me to do it? I couldn’t even protect myself, how was I supposed to protect him? And the one person who had helped me in the past, was now lying on his back amongst the rubble of the antiques. Fionn was no match for her either.
The only person who was, wasn’t there. Why had she left? Where had she gone? Why wasn’t she coming back? This was her shop, Fionn was her friend, Reid was her client, and I was apparently her apprentice. It was like those times in the films when one of the characters is just waiting to be saved by the hero. And right up until the last minute you think they’re going to appear and save the day. Except we were now past the last minute, and there was no Madam Norna.
But hold on here. Who am I? More importantly, who do I want to be? The helpless damsel waiting for a hero to save her? That’s all I’ve been since starting in the shop. With Fionn’s hound debt collectors, with the stalker in the alleyway, I was always being saved, and I was sick of it. But that got me thinking, no one had saved me from the hounds, the Madam had told me I’d done it myself. I’d wished they were gone, and then they were.
So, I thought, may as well try it. And just like Dorothy, without the sparkly shoes, I wished my hardest that the shop would go back to normal, to how it was before Madam Anora and the gang members had blown in. With Fionn and Reid bickering, with Chronos lounging on the counter giving me strange looks, and the bell above the door poised to make a sound when a customer came in.
Like someone had turned the page of a pop-up book, the chaos collapsed around me. The items and trinkets suspended in the air returned to their original place, the loose papers found their pile, and the door settled into its frame. Gravity returned along with the atmosphere. Madam Anora and her two pals had gone, and just as I’d wished, the shop was back to normal.
I glanced around, wide-eyed, not really believing it. You’d have thought nothing happened. The only thing to prove it had was Fionn and Reid still collapsed in piles on the floor somewhere in the shop. I ducked under the counter, giving the front door a cautious glance in case that bitch returned, and went to find the two roasters.
Where they’d landed was the only place in the shop my wish hadn’t cleaned up. I helped them both up and checked they weren’t seriously injured. Dazed, but unharmed. At least there was no blood. I tried to make a joke. It seemed like the only thing I was able to do. I laughed, but it was hollow.
And here I am, drowning myself in cheap wine, trying to make sense of what happened. I’m beginning to believe there’s no such thing as sense in my life anymore. I don’t know what’s going on, who or what Madam Anora is, or when she’ll be back, and don’t even get me started on the two gang members who left without their pound of flesh. What about Madam Norna? Where was she when we all needed her? When is she coming back? I somehow fended off enemies today, but what about tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after? How could she leave all of that to me, the one person who doesn’t know what’s going on?
But it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m…absolutely, fine.
Episode 9 – The opposite (Scots Version)
SFX: pouring wine.
I’ll just fill this up, ‘cause I’m gonnae need it if I want tae tell this story. And it’s no apple juice, in case ye were wonderin’.
It starteed yesterda, and has just got worse and worse. I went tae the shop, just like normal on a Wednesday, tae find as soon as I opened the door the Madam was doonstairs, swathed in a wool coat, and carryin’ a leather suitcase. Ye know the ones ye see in films set durin’ WWII, exactly like that, except brand new. There wasnae a mark on the leather, no’ like the other ones in the shop. This couldae been made last year. Before the echo ae the bell had vanished ma unease began tae grow.
She wasnae alone, the two roasters stood behind the counter, and both were dour faced. All ae them, Chronos includeed, turned to face me as I came in. A tight smile spread across ma boss’s lips, but it didnae have her usual ease tae it. She quickly told me that she had tae go somewhere on business, and so she was leavin’ the fuckin’ shop in ma hands – well, all ae our hands, but still. This mystery business, the first thing tae make her leave the shop by my guess, was never elaborateed on. Fuckin’ typical. (SFX: drink)
I began tae laugh, but it wasnae ma usual laugh, even I could hear the sprinkling ae panic. You’re takin’ the piss, I blurteed before I could stop maself. The Madam didnae look offendeed that I’d sworn. Tae me that’s no’ really swearin’, but some people are touchy aboot these ‘hings.
Wi’ her usual nonchalance, she attempteed tae reassure me that it’d be fine. Reid and Fionn would stay in the shop when I wasnae there, but accordin’ tae her I was the only one who could take over her duties. Christ, she was actually takin’ the piss.
FX: pouring.
A wee bit more ae that. Who says three quid wine cannae be good? Anyway, like a scared wee bairn I asked the madam how long she’d be gone fae, a pathetic quiver in ma voice. I dinnae know why I bothered askin’, the only thing predictable aboot the madam noo is her vague answers. She wasne sure, but it shouldnae be long.
Ma boss threw one last mysterious look tae Fionn and then began tae move towards where I was standin’ at the shop door. Was I tempteed tae hold ontae her legs and no let her leave? Fuck aye, but I didnae, because I’m an adult, apparently. Before she left she resteed her delicate hand on ma shoulder and reassured me, as best as she could, that Fionn and Reid would be there.
That was aboot as reassurin’ as a politician’s campaign promisees. Ever since the two lads had arrived they’d caused nothin’ but trouble, and ruined ma quiet time in the shop. She was tellin’ me that I’d be stuck in the shop wi’ just them, and on top ae that have tae deal wi’ her special customers. How the fuck (FX: drinks) was I supposed tae do that?
I looked after ma boss forlornly as she left the shop, the jangle ae the bell above the door distant and sad. It sent a reverberating sense of foreboding swirling ‘round the clutter like an invisible hurricane. I felt someone’s arms aroond ma shoulder and gee Fionn a sideways glance. He was grinnin’, so carefree, and told me not tae worry maself. Reid may no ha’ said anythin’, but I could tell he was as anxious as I was.
The next few hours were typical ae a normal day in the shop. Fionn and Reid bickered, Chronos and I played a game of try tae spray the cat. There may no have been any customers, but it still felt as though the Madam was up in her rooms, just waitin’ fae one tae come in. if I went tae the door and creaked ma way up the stairs she’d be there waitin’ fae me. I got tae still believe that for a few hours, pretend like nothin’ had changed.
But today had somethin’ different in store. I went in, the shop was still standin’, and the only person tae greet me was Reid. I couldnae help maself and I asked him where he’d buried Fionn. That earned me a rare cynical snort ae laughter before his face went back tae bein’ dour. He said Fionn had stayed upstairs.
This got me thinkin’. There was definitely somethin’ in that look the Madam shot him before she left. It reminded me ae that look parents gee each other after they promise their screamin’ brat they can have cake fae dinner, just so the tantrum can stop. There was more tae that look than I could see on the surface, and unless Fionn came clean I’d never know whit it was.
I asked Reid whit kind ae relationship he thought was between the Madam and Fionn. He threw me a look, the ones ye gee people when they’ve asked a stupid question. He shrugged and said he didnae know and that he’d never asked.
He’s a straight talker, I’ll gee him that, but a complete roaster. Reid is obviously someone, like Fionn, who knows more aboot things than I do, it was possible he knew somethin’ aboot the Madam and Fionn. I dinnae know whit I was expectin’. Even if he knew I dinnae think he’d tell me.
I changed the subject tae save one ae us fae losin’ our tempers. Ma next query was if he’d known the Madam before noo. This one I actually got an answer to, although in hindsight I dinnae think I really wanteed it. he confirmed he’d heard of her, and that everyone has, but that he’d never met her in person before the day he’d come intae the shop. Apparently, his parents used tae say ye know there’s a problem when ye have tae go and visit the antique shop.
I tried tae laugh aff the growin’ feelin’ ae queasiness in ma stomach by askin why be afraid ae visitin’ her when she wasnae a dentist. The way his face contorteed intae genuine surprise wasne makin’ me feel any better. It was the jagged sense ae triumph he had that irritated me.
You really know nothing, do ye? No one ever knows whit her price is gonnae be, I mean she’s a..
But he was cut aff by Fionn’s bark, telling him that was enough, before callin’ him a mongrel. I’ve heard some colourful insults in ma time, but that’s a first. This instantly got a reaction oot ae Reid who told the Irishman tae stop callin’ him that. Fionn warned that it wasn’t his place tae be teachin’ me aboot things. As if I wasne standin’ right there. I presume by his irritation that the Madam was the only one supposed to be geein’ me answers, but at this point I’ll take them fae anywhere.
Tae ma disappointment Reid did as he was bid, and never said another word and disappeared further intae the shop, sulkin’ like a wee bairn. Fionn came over tae me, his disarming smile plastered on his face. That man can go fae anger tae charm so fast I’m startin’ tae believe he’s got more problems than debt.
Whit he said tae me made me sure ae it. He told me no tae let the fox bother me. this caught ma attention fae more than just that it’s a strange sentence. I’ve been starin’ at the fox’s heid on ma ring fae weeks noo. Knowing he had a captive audience he leaned on the counter, smirkin’ like he was the only one in the world in on a joke. The cogs in ma heid starteed turnin’ and I began tae realise that coincidencees were thin on the ground these days.
Noooo, I drew the word out in a breath, shakin’ ma heid simultaneously. That couldnae be, that was impossible. Fae the skepical frown drawin’ ma eyebrows together, tae the doubtful tone, Fionn gave a satisfied chuckle. After all ae the things you’ve seen, ye don’t believe a man can be a fox?
That seemed like an entirely different question, to be honest, but I kept that tae maself. I answered that I’d seen all ae those ‘hings, I’d never seen Reid’s tail, perky ears, or remember him walkin’ aboot on all fours. At least, no in front ae me.
Turns oot Reid’s a shapeshifter. A shape shifter, I mean…. (FX: drinks). Fuckin hell. Ma life’s turned intae one ae those shitty American teen dramas aboot werewolves and vampires, and all ae that bollocks, except we’re no all shaggin each other.
Fionn explained that shape shifter was the most accurate word, but it wasnae quite the same. I’m glad he didnae gee me more details I’m havin’ trouble swallowin that as it is. What I’m no havin trouble swallowin is this wine. (FX: pours wine).
It prompted me tae ask if Reid is meant tae be….a fox, then whit was Fionn? Higher up the food chain, was all the answer I got, paired wi’ a toothy grin. His joy was soon wiped fae his face when the front door tae the shop blew open, literally, wi’ wintery, howlin’ gales tryin tae bowl us over and take everythin’ in the shop wi’ it.
It felt like someone had placed a nuclear-powered wind machine in front ae the shop and switched it on. I honestly thought the windaes were gonnae blow in. anythin’ that wasnae weighed doon went flyin, and there was a painful cacophony ae noises fae the wooden door bangin’ against a cupboard, tae the manic flutter ae loose papers sailin’ through the air, and the inevitable crashes ae china figurines and plates bein’ hurled ontae the floor.
I hit the ground. I was already standin’ behind the counter, so at least any large objects would be less likely tae hit me on the heid. The rest ae the gang would just have tae fend fae themselves.
Time felt like it slowed, the atmosphere aroond me became a vacuum. It went fae deafening tae complete silence so quick I thought I’d burst ma eardrums. After a few seconds ae continued calm I decided tae peak over the counter, and really wished I hadnae. It was like a special effect ye see in action films. Things were still movin but it was in slow motion, pieces ae paper, small coins, a lace glove or two were all mid-air, but the air was actin’ more like thick treacle. I was movin’ fine, I slowly began tae stand up but felt no pressure, no difficulty, I could still breathe fine, even though it felt like the atmosphere had vanished and the laws ae gravity abandoned.
Fionn was right where I’d left him standin’, and Reid appeared fae one ae the paths, and both were lookin’ towards the front door. I really didnae want tae look, and thought fae a moment ae just makin’ a break fae the private door, but curiosity won oot. Through the bits ae paper and debris hangin’ mid-air was a tall, dark-haired woman walkin’ through the door ae the shop. Her stormy grey eyes examined each one ae us in turn, as though we were prime cuts ae meat at the butcher.
If her sudden appearance and ominous look didnae gee me enough cause for concern, Fionn and Reid had gone so stiff you’d have thought someone had shoved somethin’ up their arses. I decideed if they looked scared, this woman wasnae a joke, or a customer.
It’s difficult tae explain this woman. A wee part ae her, a very wee one, reminded me ae Norna, but rather than ma boss’s calm, velvety demeanour and voice, the new addition tae the shop was pure, random chaos. Her clothes were well-fitteed but in a clash ae colours. Her dark chocolate hair was smooth, but bluntly cut.
Her gaze lingered on Fionn, and her tightly set mouth curled up intae a wicked smile.
“Ah, Fionn, I didn’t think to find you here. My understanding was that your relationship with Norna had come to an end,” she goadeed cruelly.
Everythin’ aboot this woman was harsh, her presence in the shop jarring. It probably didnae help that time had stopped aroond us, objects makin’ their painfully slow way to their inevitable doom. It wasnae just the two roaster’s reactions tae this woman that made me realise she was dangerous. I could feel it. Unpredictability. It oozed fae her like electricity, or gas fae a broken pipe. It felt like there was nothin’ she wouldnae do. A complete fuckin’ psycho. It was the look in her eye, the glint ae carelessness. I’ve never seen such deid eyes, so lackin’ in anythin’ remotely human. This must be whit mice feel like when there’s a cat aroond.
Unbelievably it got worse when she introduced these two lads. Accordin’ tae her they also had business in the shop. They were nothin’ compared tae her, sardines beside a fuckin’ shark. They were well-dressed in sharp black suits, neatly combed back hair, and complimentary ties tae one another. Honestly they’re whit I imagine MI6 secret agents tae look like.
I didnae know who they were, or whit business they had in the shop, but they certainly werenae customers, and by the way Reid’s face went white I made a wild guess he’d somethin’ tae do wi’ them.
The strange woman made it clear that her business was first. She stepped further intae the shop, starin’ Fionn doon like a God tae a mortal, and announced she was here tae see Madam Norna, although she called her just by the name Norna. I’ve never heard anyone refer tae ma boss that way, no even Fionn. In ma opinion, this implied a personal connection between this fresh new psycho and the absent Madam.
I dinnae know whit possessed me tae speak, I really dinnae, but it’s no like doin’ reckless ‘hings is a new thing fae me. I informed the stranger that she wasnae here, and that she’d return in a few days.
I’m honestly surprised I never turned tae stone after the look she gee me. The heat fled ma body, and a had tae dig ma nails so hard intae ma palms tae stop ma legs fae shakin I can still see the marks there.
“You must be the apprentice!” she exclaimed with sarcastic surprise, flashin’ some teeth, “how sweet, but I didn’t come to play with children.”
(FX: chuckles nervously) I replied, I actually fuckin’ replied tae this wi; no, only tae insult people. This went doon like a led ballon, and her feral grin dampened. She muttered, loud enough fae everyone tae hear, it was just like Norna tae agree tae take someone like me.
Why do people keep referrin’ tae me like that? Whit does that phrase even mean? Needless tae say I was irked, and ended up askin’ her who she was. This got a cackle so piercing I’m sure I’ll have nightmares aboot it in the future. Considering we were suspendeed in silence, this sinister laugh ae hers shot straight through everyone like a bullet.
“You don’t know who I am? Marvellous, and she left the shop to you in her absence? Oh dear, she must be going senile after all these years. My name is Madam Anora, and we’ll be seeing a lot of each other over the coming decades.”
First ‘hings first. What a cow. Secondly, whit is up wi’ all these women callin’ themselves Madam? I honestly thought ma boss used it tae boost her mystique, ye know seem more knowledgeable, that kindae shite, but noo this strange woman was claimin’ it too. Whit the fuck is goin on here? It’s always more questions wi’ that shop, never answers. I dinnae even want tae start on whit she meant by decades.
I wore ma confusion on ma face like makeup, and she liked this, bein’ the one wi’ all the power.
“You must be very new to this, but you already have yourself a familiar, I see. A small piece of advice. Don’t repeat the mistakes of your teacher, intimacy with familiars is never a good thing. Fionn can tell you all about that.”
She certainly didnae like Fionn, that was fae sure. I dared a look at him, and understandably he was ragin’. This Madam Anora just didnae care. She was gonnae say and do whit she liked, causing the most amount ae pain. Every word oot ae her mouth was barbed, and since Reid and I were strangers, the only person she could personally insult was Fionn. He let her get away wi’ the first one, but he wasnae aboot tae let a second go by, and he barked that she wasnae welcome. Even I flinched at his tone.
The tension was quickly risin’ and I felt in ma bones that this situation was gonnae very quickly get oot ae hand, and whit was worse was that there was nothin’ I could do. When Madam Anora’s gaze concentrated again on me I knew nothin’ good was comin’. She gee me a smile, possibly meant tae be endearin’, but just turned oot creepy as fuck. She told me I shouldae been her apprentice, and that she’d never keep me in the dark as Norna was doin’.
I dinnae know why I thought pissin’ her aff was a smart move, but I said I was glad I wasnse her apprentice as I’d hate tae go through life wi’ no one ever being glad tae see me. she understandably wasnae happy aboot this, and whitever friendliness, if ye could call it that, disappeared quickly. Fionn, as stupid I was, bluntly told her tae leave as no one wanted her in the shop. He may also ha called her a bitch, which I wasnae disagreein’ wi, but whit she did next probably made him regret it.
One minute Fionn was standin’ on the other side ae the counter fae me, within’ arm’s reach, and the next he flew through the air back intae the shop. The same treatment had been geein’ tae Reid, who’d disappeared again. The crash as they landeed on more antiques wasnae swallowed by the vacuum the shop had become.
It wasnae a short fall either, they’d been flung quite the way back, and landed on Christ knew whit. It wasnae pillows that’s fae sure. I couldnae move. How had she done that? She hadnae moved a finger, or even twitched a muscle. I wanted tae go and see if they were alright, but I couldnae. Every cell, muscle, bone, and drop ae blood I was made of was screamin ae me tae run. All I could do was stand there, like the world’s biggest numpty.
The two lads who’d come in wi’ her began tae protest, although they were so softly spoken that I couldnae make oot whit they were saying. She held up her manicured hand, like a Hollywood starlet talkin’ tae their chauffeur. She assured them that Reid wasnae hurt, and that she’d done them a favour by makin’ him easier tae apprehend noo. I’d been right, the two lads were connected tae Reid’s gang problems, the same problem he’d become ma familiar fae tae escape.
I dinnae like Reid much, but we’d made a promise, and I keep ma word. They began tae move towards where he’d been flung, and I knew I had tae stop them. But how? Whit was I supposed tae do? I may be bold wi words sometimes, but I couldnae go up against two full grown men. I mean, they werenae scrawny, and fae all I knew they could have guns or knives hidden beneath the tailored black suits.
I felt the ring on ma pinky, the one I cannae take aff, the one Reid had unceremoniously geein’ me, and thought aboot the fox’s heid, and whit Fionn had said aboot it earlier. I shouted at the two tae stop, and warned them if they went near Reid I’d make a winter coat oot ae their furs. Can ye believe this made them hesitate, both gazin’ at me tryin tae see if I was bluffin or no. I noticed the same spark ae fear in their eyes as the psycho in the club had all ae those weeks ago. They were aboot tae think twice, their fear ae bein’ made intae clothin’ winnin’ over whitever beef they had wi Reid.
Then Madam Anora ruined everythin’, by goadin’ them on, and tellin’ me I wasnae powerful enough tae do anything tae them. Again, whit a bitch. The two lads believed her, and tae be honest I see why. Whit had I done since their arrival? Compared tae the havoc she’d caused.
I’ve never felt that helpless, that useless. Fionn and Reid were in danger, we all were, and all I could do was stand there and watch as this complete cow came in and did whit she liked tae all ae us. They were gonnae take Reid, and I didnae even want tae think aboot whit they’d do tae him, and if he’d even survive it. why hadn’t he just become Madam Norna’s familiar? Why had she practically forced me tae do it? I couldnae even protect maself, how was I supposed tae protect him. And the one erpson who had helped me in the past, was now lying on his back amongst the rubble ae the antiques. Fionn was no match fae her either.
The only person who was, wasnae there. Why had she left? Where had she gone? Why wasn’t she comin’ back? This was her shop, Fionn was her friend, Reid was her client, and I was apparently her apprentice. It was like those times in the films when one ae the characters is just waitin’ tae be saved by the hero. And right up until the last minute ye think they’re gonnae appear and save the day. Except we were now past the last minute, and there was no Madam Norna.
But haud on here. Who am I? More importantly, who dae I want tae be? The helpless damsel waitin fae a hero tae save her? That’s all I’ve been since startin’ in the shop. Wi Fionn’s hound debt collectors, wi the stalker in the alleyway, I was always bein’ saved, and I was sick ae it. but that got me thinkin’, no one had saved me fae the hounds, the Madam had told me I’d done it maself. I’d wished they were gone, and then they were.
So I thought, may as well try it. And just like Dorothy, without the sparkly shoes, I wished ma hardest that the shop would go back tae normal, tae how it was before Madam Anora and the gang members had blown in. Wi Fionn and Reid bickerin’, wi Chronos loungin’ on the counter geein’ me strange looks, and the bell above the door poised tae make a sound when a customer came in.
Like someone had turned the page ae a pop-up book, the chaos collapsed aroond me. the items and trinkets suspended in the air returned tae their original place, the loose papers found their pile, and the door settled intae its frame. Gravity returned along wi’ the atmosphere. Madam Anora and her two pals had gone, and just as I’d wished, the shop was back tae normal.
I glanced aroond, wide-eyed, no really believing it. you’d have thought nothin’ happened. The only thing tae prove it had was Fionn and Reid still collapsed in piles on the floor somewhere in the shop. I ducked under the counter, geein’ the front door a cautious glance in case that bitch’d return, and went tae find the two roasters.
Where they’d landeed was the only place in the shop my wish hadnae cleaned up. I helped them both up and checked they werenae seriously injured. Dazed, but unharmed. At least there was no blood. I tried tae make a joke. It seemed like the only thing I was able tae do. I laughed, but it was hollow.
And here I am, drownin’ maself in cheap wine, tryin tae make sense of whit happened. I’m beginning tae believe there’s no such thing as sense in ma life anymore. I dinnae know whit’s goin’ on, who or what Madam Anora is, or when she’ll be back, and dinnae even get me starteed on the two gang members who left withoot their pound ae flesh. Whit aboot Madam Norna? Where was she when we all needed her? When is she comin’ back? I somehow fended off enemies today, but what about tomorrow, or the day after, or the day after? How could she leave all ae that tae me, the one person who doesnae know whit’s goin on?
But it’s fine. I’m fine. I’m. absolutely, fine.